Into the Chrysalis: Fragile Power (Offering 7.1)
Butterflies, plastic, and the unraveling of armor.
And so we enter a new phaseâInto the Chrysalis. This offering begins with a butterfly, a hurricane, and a puzzle on the table. Itâs about believing in the power of small choices, and what happens when the armor weâve carried begins to crack.
(If youâre new to Eclosion: An Artistâs Path to Power and Peace, start at the beginning. Or visit my Memoir Hub for a full table of contents with links.)
Fragile Power
Chaos theory, commonly known as the butterfly effect, says that even a tiny, insignificant event can have an outsized influence in shaping the way a large, complex system evolves. A common example is that the fluttering of a butterflyâs wings on one side of the earth could result in a hurricane on the other side of the earth.
I used this theory with my colleague, friend and fellow artist Jennifer Johnson as the basis for a large-scale collaborative Art in Action Project called Rise above Plastics: The Butterfly Effect.
On the surface, the Butterfly Effect was about understanding how plastics impact our bodies, as well as making commitments to use less plastic. Instead of approaching this directly, we married the theory of the butterfly effect with the power of our own individual choices. We invited participants, about 700 youth and adults, to consider the possibility that their choices have powerâthat even if they canât see the results right awayâtheir choices could still have positive effects on the world, rippling outward in much larger ways than they might ever know. We then asked them to make a decision: to believe that their choices have power.
In a world where we are often overwhelmed with our smallness, choosing to believe in the power of our individual choices is a radical and daring concept.
At its core, this project was about transformation, and it had a profound effect on participants and viewers alike. As is so often the case in this work, I was the one who was transformed the most.
My realization about my dependency on alcohol slammed into me like a hurricaneâor maybe like the gentle kiss of a butterflyâs wingsâwhile I was well into the planning of this project. Rise above Plastics: The Butterfly Effect was a high-profile collaborative art installation. Due to the success of the Plastic Whale Project, there was already media attention on it and our county representatives were talking it up. One way or another it was going to happen.
And I was so afraid.
Wrapped in Darkness
It was winter when I admitted I was an alcoholic, accepted that I needed help, and made the decision not to drink. With this admission, I felt myself as breaking into a thousand tiny pieces.
For the first time in a long, long time, I was fully sitting in my own discomfort.
At home in our cabin, wanting to crawl out of my skin, I work alone on a 1,000-piece puzzle. I sit at the table, searching for pieces that fit together. Each piece that slides into place is one more piece of myself coming back together.
But the pain and discomfort build and build. When they get too great, I head out into the cold. There, I sit, drinking scalding hot spicy ginger tea and smoking cigarettes, trying to hold myself together. Itâs only about eight degrees outside, so eventually, I head back in, directly to the puzzle, where I continue my desperate search for pieces I can put back into place.
What I didnât realize at the time is that I wasnât breaking into a thousand pieces. Instead, the armor that Iâd wrapped around myself was cracking, breaking, and falling away, revealing aspects of myself that I kept hidden from the worldâhidden even from myself.
As my armor fell away, I was left raw, vulnerable in a new, all-encompassing way. It turns out that being vulnerable, which Iâd been taught to equate with weakness, was my biggest fear. I was afraid that if others could see my true self, they wouldnât want me. I was afraid of my own darkness.
Whatâs one âsmall choiceâ youâve made that felt fragileâor even insignificantâthat ended up shaping your life in a larger way?